Friday, August 12, 2011

PTSD - Solitude and Sound -

I live in a world of solitude and sound, surrounded by the comfort of one and the miracle of the other.  I didn't trust human love after my parents had died.  It seemed that if they could not manage to remain to raise me, love me, that my obligations to such emotions had then been neatly severed.  Truthfully I longed to be invited into the warmth of the insular world that they inhabited but I was always an observer.  As such, I became acutely keen at discerning peoples' emotions and motivations.  I learned to mimic their behaviors that had been inspired by deep attachments.  But I held myself back from the emotions themselves.  Still I am a deeply sensitive person and needed an expressive outlet for my inner kingdom.

Music became that outlet and I served her like the most faithful initiate.  Her love was steady and strong and she always rewarded my devotion.  She took me to inner realms where the spirit soars unfettered by the body.  I was transformed in the service of music.  I sang with the passion of an abandoned lover, an embittered parent, a defeated enemy.  My voice transported me to distant lands where I was always safe because as soon the music stopped, I was able to retreat to my comfort zone.  That was before I met Luca and Phisto.  They were game changers.  I knew that I would never be the same.  Nor did I want to be.

Luca's music invaded my body and soul like a fever.  It heated my muscles and swam through my veins even after the last resonance from the last chord had echoed through the theatre and only rapt silence remained.  Luca's music soared like Puccini and haunted like Strauss.  It fit my voice more intimately than my words or speech.  For I was often awkward when I spoke of emotions, but Luca's melodies spoke for me with far more eloquence and more courage than I had yet summoned.

I sang for Phisto first when I auditioned for the American Opera Center.  But I sang for Luca when my career hung in the balance and I fought for the lead role in his long awaited new opera.  It was as though we were alone in the theatre though many came to hear my audition. Yet, I performed in the magical sphere of Luca's violet eyes and my voice responded to his presence like lightening to thunder.  I followed his lightening with the thunder of my passion.

Would they cast me, an unknown in Luca Cantanta's new opera.  It was a story from another time.  An innocent time when talent was rewarded above connections and money.  But careers were not only for the talented or corporate America wouldn't be littered with so many talented musicians, actors, writers caught in a daily soul struggle to keep the vibrant parts of themselves alive.  Save me from an enormous talent that would not find it's voice, I thought.  And I sang for all of those who could not love me and for those whom I hoped could.  I sang for Luca.    

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